Can a Relationship Survive an Incompatible Sex Drive?

Even when a relationship is firing on cylinders, it can still come with its difficulties. In cases where there the partners have an incompatible sex drive, those hardships can feel even worse.

In this article, we’ll share our thoughts on how to navigate mismatched libidos. If this sounds like you, it still may be possible to salvage your relationship!

Cassie’s View on the Challenges of Having an Incompatible Sex Drive

It’s often the talk when women get together about how their men want sex more frequently than they do. Perhaps this wasn’t always the case. Women, as we grow older, tend to take on responsibilities, such as raising children which leave us too tired.  Even simply the act of carrying children, which puts our bodies through changes that have us feeling anything but sexy.

Maybe at some point these women did chase their men up the stairs to the bedroom, but now life has gotten in the way. Maybe the woman is the frisky one but the man is not showing as much interest as he used to. Either way, the question remains, can a relationship survive when sex drives just don’t seem compatible?

Define Root Causes

Physical attraction isn’t everything, but it certainly is something.  I think it is important to first determine if the difference in appetite is a long established pattern, or if something new has disturbed the balance of the relationship.  If from the beginning there has always been a primarily one-sided physical connection, then that is likely not going to change and the couple needs to decide whether or not that is something that can be overcome. 

However, if the love drought is new, there must be an underlying issue.  It could simply be a comfort and familiarity with the relationship or it could be because of changes in the relationship dynamic.

Sex Drives are Signals

I never thought of myself as being a sexual person and my sex drive was consistently lower than previous partners. What I have learned is that sexual desire is very much dependent on the person you are with. The life I have with my current partner has taught me that if you are with the right person, your sex drives become compatible. It happens automatically.

Life never seems to get in the way of us making time for each other because it is a priority.

So, bold statement. No, relationships will not survive in any meaningful way when sex drives are incompatible because it is merely a sign of bigger issues. It is a giant red flag that signals each person is only looking out for themselves.

They may stay together, but together doesn’t equal happy, and to get to this place shows they have probably veered pretty far off course. However, if they work on what broke them to try to put themselves back into harmony, they just might have a fighting chance to get back into bed.

Nick’s View

Sex is challenging. The subject, anyway.

Sex can both simplify and complicate all interactions. And that’s even when both parties are on the same page.

While all people have a sex drive, that works out in different ways in practice. Both the types of desires and their intensity vary from person to person, and then from time to time within each person.

All the same, finding that sweet spot of sexual compatibility is one of life’s great joys. When you have someone with whom to share sexual experiences, insights, and yearnings, a world of possibilities becomes opened wide.

That’s the best-case scenario.

The Lesser-Case Scenario

Life is fluid.

One of the great signs of personal progress is to have beliefs which have morphed over the course of time. What was true yesterday may not be true today.

Accordingly, even if two people fit on every level—physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual—at one stage, that doesn’t mean it will always be so.

Incongruent sex drives are one of the major causes of relationship discord.

And there’s truly no one to blame. It isn’t rational to believe one partner will always want what the other does.

Can your Relationship Work with an Incompatible Sex Drive?

Whether a relationship can not just survive, but actually thrive in light of sexual differences, comes down fundamentally to the reasons.

Relationship questions that may be asked:

• Have we fallen out of love?
• Is the attraction gone?
• Are there basic problems getting in the way? You may need to learn to manage your money together in your relationship.
• Is it just me, or is it them that simply don’t ignite my passions?

I believe it is possible to still love, while not being in love. This probably happens more than people care to admit, truly.

When this transition doesn’t happen at the same time for both—or even if it does, there is bound to be resulting friction.

In writing this, I am now aware that I’ve conflated love with sex—yet, I didn’t even realize doing so. Given that sex can be a wonderful representation of love-done-well, it isn’t hard to see how devolving in one area can lead to challenges in the other.

All of this to say that, quite simply, I don’t know the answer to this one. My gut instinct is to say probably, or more aptly, possibly. I can’t rule out a viable relationship in spite of sexual incompatibility, but it might be fair to say that the relationship can be better when, indeed, lovers move in sexual lockstep.

Final Thoughts on the Challenges of an Incompatible Sex Drive

It is possible to have a relationship while facing an incompatible sex drive. How successful the relationship will be over time is the real question.

If you’re finding that you and your partner are at odds when it comes to bedroom activity, look deeper. If you do actually find yourself attracted to them, then there may be structural issues you need to address with your lifestyles.

Keep the faith have an open discussion with them. If the relationship is worth the effort, then it’s up to you to make it.