If a Romantic Relationship Started as an Affair, Can it Succeed?

The conventional way for a relationship to begin is when two unattached singles come together. It isn’t the only way, however. In this article, we ask whether a relationship that started as an affair can still result in lasting happiness.

This review is not about making a moral judgment on adultery itself, but rather about exploring the possibilities about when an affair turns to love.

Let us begin.

Cassie’s View

Yes.

I am fairly certain that answer will get me lynched, and likely have my membership in the sisterhood revoked, but I stand by it.  How do I know?  Just trust me on this one.

Fantasy vs. Reality

In an ideal world we meet only eligible people.

We fall in love with the one who is the perfect fit and who will fulfill us for all of our days to come.  We never look elsewhere; the thought to do so never even crosses our minds.  We don’t flirt with people in relationships, either innocently or with intent in our hearts.  We don’t throw out lines pretending to be playful, when we are really testing the waters to see if anything bites.

People don’t deceive us by slipping rings into their pockets, hoping we won’t notice the slight indent, or tan line that is a dead giveaway that they have sworn their lives to another.  They don’t make online dating profiles that pretend their lives are something completely different from what they actually are.  What they actually are is miserable.  Not ideal.

Yet some people are just too afraid to say the one word they so desperately want to say to their partners.  Goodbye.

When a Relationship Started as an Affair: Two Different Types

People who begin new relationships while still tangled in old relationship fall into two camps.  There are certainly many circumstances and situations that change the severity and scope of these divisions, but I am trying to keep this simple:

1. Type A is the one who is never satisfied.  Chances are this person will never leave their partner.  If caught, and they will be caught, this type will plead temporary insanity and beg for forgiveness.  If granted, the pattern will repeat ad nauseam.  Type A thrives on the drama, the chase, and the shiny new plaything.  Stay away from Type A.  No good relationship can be found with a chronic cheater who does it for the thrill.
2. Type B simply fell out of love with their partner. This is vastly different from Type A.  Sometimes you realize it may never have been love at all.  It’s very easy to get caught up in an undertow that takes you further out to sea than you ever intended, and you may not have the breath to swim all the way back in.  It can often feel like an act of kindness to stay, when truly it serves no one.  The longer you tread water, the more tired you get, and the more likely you are to drown.  You would be lucky not to take others with you.

What To Do When You Find The One

Imagine one day you find him.  You certainly were not looking, but there he is.  You just know it.  He is the one that you had been waiting your entire life for.  He is kind and respectful, treats you as you deserve, and makes you feel as if the whole world was created just for you.  When he breathes, you feel it in your lungs.  You are connected as no two people have ever been in all the ages.  Nothing has ever been so perfect. Indeed, you have found your soul mate.

Only one small detail could sever this union; you are still out to sea.

Maybe a decent person would tell their one true love that they had sworn a vow and go on and live a miserable life.  If that is the case, then I suppose I am not a decent person.  I would rather commit the sin of infidelity and end a relationship that was for all intents and purposes over, than stay in a union that was so sickeningly unhappy just to take the moral high road.

What is wrong with wanting to be happy?

We All Make Choices

I understand people may have gotten hurt.  I am truly sorry for that.  But I do not regret my actions. Ripping off the bandage and allowing us both to move on to new adventures seemed like mercy compared to the slow death we were living.

Even if a relationship started as an affair, that does not need to sully it indefinitely. Relationships can blossom from many unexpected places.  What is important is building a strong foundation of love, trust, and friendship.

Life is about making hard choices.  Some turn out well.  Others may not.  We learn as we go and grow.  If you are lucky enough to find someone to fall in love with, you are truly fortunate.  Whatever challenges and obstacles you face, they will only make you stronger.  True love always finds a way.

Nick’s View on Possibilities when a Relationship Started as an Affair

Asking this question already implies a judgment; affairs are bad, right? To even need to ask the question implies an incredulity to its possibility. After all, most relationships that people feel comfortable talking about are rooted in conventionality. If not conventionality, then at least some semblance of a Hollywood-based romantic flick.

Consider:

How did you meet your wife?

Oh, we happened to be part of the same circle of friends [which implies social proof that both parties are decent people] and wound up hanging out. Then, we just took it from there!

How did you meet your husband?

We were at the cash in the bookstore and realized we were buying the same book! We started talking and exchanged numbers!

Even if the above might cause some skepticism (and possibly some nausea), these are acceptable means of entering a romantic relationship. They are morally neutral, playful, and are reasonable-enough methods that most people could accept without probing questions as to their validity.

Standard means of beginning a relationship also allow those in the relationship to avoid masking the truth so as not to be looked on through squinted eyes. Most people need to feel accepted by the jury of their peers and coming clean about being a homewrecker tends not to lead to idle chitchat. It may even lead to expulsion from a circle of “friends” who have their own ideas about the sorts of people they want to be associated with.

In any event, the opinions of friends and family must take a back seat to what you decide for yourself.

When a Relationship Started as an Affair, the Reasons Matter

As Cassie stated above, there are different reasons an affair might begin.

Here are a few reasons having an affair can actually be a positive:

• The relationship you’re in is already at an end. In this case, the affair can be the catalyst to let you and your current partner move on.
• The affair gives you clarity about what is missing in your life. This one can be a slippery slope, but many people find themselves depressed without knowing why. An affair does have the potential to reignite the spark in life itself.
• It may bring to light issues in your marriage that can be repaired. In some cases, the affair may be temporary and lead to recommitment within your current relationship.

In any case, it should be understood that an affair is not, on its own, a bad thing. The reasons for cheating need to be taken into account, as well as the possible outcomes.

Relationship Success Isn’t About How it Began

I believe a romantic relationship can begin as an affair and have every bit the chance of success that any other sort of relationship would have. However, I think it requires those in the affair-turned-cemented-relationship to have the courage to be who they are and not allow those on the outside to paint things with a tainted brush.

If you invert the question and ask, can a romantic relationship begin by traditional means and still fail, the answer resounds in the affirmative. Given this, why would anyone feel pressured to pursue a traditionally founded relationship when empirical evidence suggests it may be no better at all?

Rather than worry about how a relationship began, I think the emphasis would be better placed on making it last. Or, at least letting things take their natural course. I’d rather be living in the present with an eye to the future than allowing the genesis story of a relationship be an anchor on progress.

Final Thoughts

There is no evidence to suggest a relationship that began as an affair cannot go the distance. Understanding long-term affairs involves recognizing that all people deserve to be happy. The timing of finding the one who completes you as a person need not be a barrier.

What matters most is ensuring you’re pursuing your best life. Go after what makes you happy. Do not let societal norms impede your life path, while still being respectful and mindful of the risks of walking this road.