Do Physical Appearances Matter in Romantic Relationships?

The most important thing in any long-term relationship is to develop enduring feelings of love. To get to that point, however, requires beginning the relationship in the first place. Physical appearances are one of the main ways couples get their start.

We examine the importance of physical attractiveness in this article.

Cassie’s View

Let’s begin with a hopeful quote.

People should fall in love with their eyes closed.

Andy Warhol

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  The story of the ugly duckling. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.

From a young age, girls (yes, and boys) are given these conflicting messages about beauty.  For the child who has it, the messages are about how special they are, and how best to preserve it and use it to their advantage.  For the child who is lacking… the message is different. 

Of course, the mother sees beauty.  All children are beautiful (if that were true, who coined the phrase, “a face only a mother could love”?), yet a parent knows when her child is going to be teased on the playground.  That is when the swan story comes out.  Right then and there, that little girl (yes, or boy) waits for the day the transformation will occur.  That wondrous day when they become one of the chosen.  The beautiful.

Physical Appearances, Augmented with Cosmetics

Market research suggests that the global cosmetic products market was worth $532 billion in 2017 with projections expected to reach $863 billion by 2024.  Cosmetic surgery and other aesthetic procedures have become as commonplace as a dental checkup.

I am guessing there are a lot of ducklings still waiting on the magic to happen.

With that being the case, it suggests to me that we do not think beauty is something that is on the inside.  It is something we wear like expensive designer clothing and is something to be valued.  It is something we search for and is something that we want to put on display for the world to see.  But what if it’s not real?  Is it still worth having?

Can one be in love without physical attraction? 

I am supposed to say that of course physical appearances are not important.  You fall in love with your heart and your brain, not your eyes.  That would be the romantic and sensible answer.  If that were true, all of the online dating apps would not allow a picture (although that’s probably not a bad idea if a couple is actually trying to build a foundation on something other than airbrushed perfection).

The truth of the matter is if you are face-to-face with someone, you will judge their appearance very quickly.  That is the unfortunate reality of our drive-thru world.  For a single person, an average day can feel like speed dating.  You only have a very short window of time to make a decision on or an impression on someone, and often your face is all you have.

Attracting a mate with only your feminine (yes, or masculine) wiles is about as primal and instinctual as it gets.  So why is it something to be ashamed of?

Beyond Physical Attraction

Once you have had an initial attraction, is that enough to sustain a relationship?  Of course not.  You cannot build a relationship on beauty any more than you can have a satisfying one in which you have no attraction to your partner. 

The key is balance.  It always is.

You need to find someone who shares your goals and your interests; someone who is compatible.  But if you had not been compelled to speak to them on account of their glorious eyes, the rest might be neither here nor there.

The magic is finding the partner who is beautiful on the very first day, yet somehow grows even more beautiful over time.  They make you feel like you are perfect when you feel imperfect.  They make you see a swan on days you feel like a duckling. The best people are like that.

Physical Characteristics are Not Universally Perceived

Think back to a time when that slightly awkward person suddenly became kind of cute when you discovered how sweet and funny they were. Conversely, remember the god or goddess you lusted over only to find out their abrasive or dull personality only seemed to emphasize their flaws?  True beauty does shine from within.  It acts like a spotlight to highlight the best in all of us.

I honestly believe that we see each other differently, with unique eyes.  The one for me is going to have the brightest light.  You won’t see it, because you weren’t meant to.  That’s how I know he is mine and mine alone.

I think Andy Warhol was wrong.  I think you need to go into love with your eyes open.  You need to be excited about the person you are with.  You need to be able to fully see the complete person.  You need to be able to find the brightest light.

The only time I go into love with my eyes closed, is when I lean in to be kissed.

Nick’s View

The fear in responding to such a question is the natural human impulse is to lie; no one likes to appear shallow when that is what honesty will likely equate. However, I’ll risk all of that in saying I do believe physical appearances matter in a romantic relationship.

I have personally never found a relationship online or through any means aside from doing so in person. While I consider myself to be primarily an intellectual, I would find it hard to be pulled toward someone who repels me physically.

It’s fair to say that I’m not alone in these beliefs. In considering everyone I’ve ever known to have a relationship, I cannot think of a single examine where there wasn’t physical attraction.

Physical Appearances are Most Important Initially

I don’t have specific demands around what a beautiful woman looks like. I don’t feel a woman must be a certain height, have a given hair style, or wear certain types of clothes. I’m not one who has a “type” in that I’m drawn to anyone meeting a given archetype.

It is rather about a well-rounded package which includes their body, their mind, and so on. If a woman’s personality turns me off, there is nothing about her body that will overcome it.

That said, her physical attributes will certainly be one of the things that catch my attention from the outset. Since you need an initial spark in order to have a wild fire, the importance of this at the beginning is clear.

Final Thoughts

The bottom line is that there are many facets to what constitute a healthy relationship. The equation that leads to attraction has many angles which include, but are not limited to, physicality, emotional attachment, intellectual bonding, and shared values.

We believe they each have a healthy place. At the end of the day, we are human animals who lend ourselves readily to visual stimuli. We don’t believe this is something to be sublimated, only rather to be understood, accepted, and given the space it deserves in the full spectrum of what makes us who we are.

There’s nothing wrong with allowing physical attractiveness to have a role in who we take as a partner.