Does the Approval of Friends and Family Matter in a Romantic Relationship?
Cassie’s View
How much does the approval of our friends and family truly matter when we choose a mate? Obviously if there is open animosity sharing a table at Christmas dinner might be a tad uncomfortable, but should we factor in the opinions of our loved ones when ultimately deciding the fate of our romantic relationships? Is it acceptable to choose a partner that does not have the gold stamp of approval from our inner circle?
We all have friends in relationships that don’t quite make sense to us. Maybe it doesn’t have to. Their hobbies don’t align, perhaps they come from different socio-economic backgrounds, or have major differences in their ages. Yet for some reason the relationship seems solid. In other cases two people line up perfectly on paper, yet the result in the real world is anything but perfection. In either case there is one constant, people will always be there willing to add their two cents.
There are never only two people in a relationship, no matter how ideal that would be. Friends ask how things are progressing, pushing towards next steps or offering unsolicited advice when they disagree with what they witness. Family can be even worse when it comes to respecting boundaries and rarely listen to attempts to curb bad behaviour. Asking a mother to stop invading her daughter’s privacy is akin to asking the wind to blow softer…so I’ve been told…by a friend.
The guidance of a relationship by friends or family can be enough of a burden, but what if they truly do not care for your partner? First, examine the reasons why this might be the case. If they see red flags that your loved-up eyes are missing, such as abusive behaviour, or an ex-wife’s body in the freezer then they might have a point. However, if the reasons are purely superficial, or even imaginary, which is the case more often than not, then they may eventually come around. Who are you trying to make happy? Think about that for a minute. You’ll get there.
Obviously in a perfect world all of the people that I care about would instantly see all of the reasons why I have chosen my partner. Perhaps that would come in time. If it did not, and I had chosen someone that I knew to be my other half, then it would not matter an ounce what others thought. I would thank them for their concern and live my best life. They do not share my bed. Why would I let them vote on who sleeps there?
Nick’s View
The best answers to questions tend to be simple. However, simple answers tend to involve plenty of subtext that can only be fully understood when taken in context.
Have you ever been told to, “Follow your heart and don’t listen to the naysayers”? It sounds nice, but it’s not entirely plausible unless you’re fully dialed in as a narcissist… and possibly a sociopath.
We are social animals and whether we like it or not, behavioural psychologists have shown well enough that we incorporate social proof into our decision making (much of this taking place subconsciously). I’d love to think I’m entirely devoid of influence from outside parties when making the big decisions in life, but more likely than not, I do take the thoughts and beliefs of others into account—at least to some extent.
The basis of strong relationships with friends and families tend to involve a reciprocal, unspoken arrangement in which each party offers advice along the way. Sometimes that advice is about what looks good on you, whether a movie is worth watching, or, other times, whether a prospective mate is worth taking the next step with.
There’s a bit of a slippery slope when it comes to both giving and accepting advice on romantic relationships. As the receiver of the advice, we want to believe our friend has our best interest at heart but will also accept the fact that we are ultimately responsible for the final decision. As the giver of advice, there is trepidation around offering disapproval if that is what is truly felt.
What it comes down to is that I am already particular about who I involve in my life. Both friends and family who spend time in my company have already demonstrated that they respect and love me. As such, I expect them to be unfailingly honest in all situations—just as I aim to be with them.
To Approve or Not Approve
Being willing to accept constructive feedback implies a willingness to hear the good and the bad. Looking inwardly, I can’t say I would be particularly receptive to disapproving advice on the romantic front, and so I must by extension state that I don’t believe approval from friends or family is something I would hang my hat on.
If they approve, great. If not, it won’t alter my direction.
At the end of the day, we each have to look in the mirror and be happy with what we see. It has been said that choice of partner is the most important decision any of us will ever make given the influence they will have over our level of happiness and general success in life (no matter how you define “success”).
If the above is true—and I believe that it is—then it would be a mistake to allow anyone else to be making the decisions.
If someone is making me happy, why should I let someone else have a say as to whether I continue seeing them? Anyone who loves me and wants the best for me should be wanting me to be happy. Period.
There’s no middle ground for meddling on this topic. Anyone believing I may need their approval are likely approaching our relationship from the wrong framework. I have room for those who are able to be in my life in a harmonious fashion. Beyond that, I’m unwilling to compromise.
What I would hope and expect from friends and family is that they would be there for me through the good times and the bad. If and when I should come to them for advice, I would want an unbiased opinion.
Perhaps those expectations are high, but I believe the bar should indeed be high when it comes to who we have in our lives. After all, it is these relations that make up the majority of life itself.
