Is it OK for Your Partner to Be Friends With an Ex?

Romantic relationships are, by their very nature, intimate and personal. Loving someone in this way implicitly involves deep trust. In fact, most partners view one another as their closest companions. Given this, is there room for your partner to be friends with an ex?

Cassie’s View on Being Friends With an Ex

When a relationship ends, there are usually good reasons for the demise.  There may have been infidelity on one or both parts.  The couple may have grown in ways that are no longer conducive to a productive relationship.  The mere sight of the other person may now incite homicidal rage.  Good, good reasons.

Very rarely does a couple separate because the abundance of love and compatibility so overwhelm that they feel it is impossible to stay in the relationship.  Kidding.  That’s not a thing.  Of course, it is possible for a couple to separate amicably (so I’ve been told), and it is possible that there are occasions where circumstances may dictate the end of the relationship before its rightful time.  But the point remains.  The relationship ended for a reason.

When asked whether or not it is acceptable for my partner to be friends with an ex-lover, it makes me examine my past relationships and whether or not I feel it is appropriate to maintain friendships with any of them.  The short answer is no.

As stated previously, those past relationships ended for a reason.  I find it highly unlikely that relationships that were unsuccessful romantically would not carry the same flaws into a friendship.  Even if the offenses were not such to be repeated in the dynamic of a platonic relationship, the memory of them would linger and cast a negative pall over every interaction.  That doesn’t sound like a positive experience for anyone involved.

Err on the Side of Caution

I would also be concerned about the feelings of my current partner.  Regardless of whether or not there are jealousy issues, I feel it is simply respectful to not place him in a position where he might feel that way.  I would expect the same courtesy from him.  Having a strong and honest relationship involves proactively removing some of the obstacles that are likely to cause friction, and a friendship with an ex is a prime breeding ground for trouble.  Those who disagree likely enjoy conflict and drama.

Although friendship may be off the table, it is always preferable when your partner has a cordial relationship with an ex, rather than a contentious one.  I have found in general, people who earn good relationships, past and present, tend to have good character and are worth holding onto.

Nick’s View

Being friends with an ex will always be complicated. Very few breakups are actually mutual. As a result, there are often raw wounds which can easily resurface.

When you’re in a relationship with someone who still maintains contact with their ex, it is even more complex. It can give you feelings of jealousy and mistrust.

If you’re in this position, you are well within your rights to ask your partner why they still want that contact.

What are they getting from that friendship? Are there still feelings of intimacy?

By tackling this issue head-on, you can avoid feeling like you’re the third wheel in your own relationship.

How Do You Know It’s OK to be Friends with an Ex?

I believe there are times when it can be fine for your partner to be friends with their ex. Not all relationships have the same life cycle. Some end poorly, while some were toxic right from the start. Some, however, simply run their course without any lasting negative sentiment.

How can you tell apart the times this is fine and when it might be dangerous?

When It’s OK

You should have a frank discussion with your partner about your concerns. Listen to their reasons for carrying on their friendship. This is going to require a great deal of trust, so listen not just to what they say, but how they say it.

You may want to ask them a few information-gathering questions:

• Do the two of them maintain the same circle of friends?
• Were they good friends before they began dating?

What you want to understand is whether they are interacting purely as friends.

Red Flags if Your Partner is Friends With an Old Flame

Some relationships, when they end, need to be finished altogether. Here are a few times when it isn’t okay for your partner to still be friends with their ex:

• If they’re talking secretly, keeping you out of the loop.
• When they’re talking late at night.
• If you suspect their messaging may not be harmless; sexting is absolutely off limits.
• If your partner reaches out to them whenever you’ve had an argument. It’s not okay for them to use their ex as a shoulder to cry on about your own relationship.

Setting Boundaries

Even if your partner says the friendship is entirely nonsexual, it is worthwhile to establish some boundaries.

Let them know what you’re comfortable with and what would be crossing the line. Remember: If you don’t tell them how you feel, you can’t expect them to magically know.

Concluding Thoughts

Being friends with an ex can be a slippery slope. No matter what you do, it is likely to lead to some questions about your current relationship.

You need to determine whether the risk is worth the reward. It’s the emotional equivalent of playing with sticks of dynamite. Try to learn from the relationships of others; have you known people to do well when carrying on friendships with exes?

Always remember that you also have an accountability in your relationship. It’s up to you to be honest about how you feel. If you have a problem with your partner being friends with their ex, you need to tell them about it.

Give them the chance to explain why it is important to them and work through the situation together. The key to working through this—as with any relationship issue—will be meaningful communication.