Is It Okay to be Submissive in a Relationship?

The thought of being submissive in a relationship can conjure images of BDSM. This is the result of mainstream media and overactive imaginations.

The truth is that relationships take many forms. There is no need to be pigeonholed singularly as dominant or submissive in all cases.

In this article, we share our views on how to approach submission with your significant other.

Cassie’s View

If I had been posed this question in the past, my answer would have been markedly different than the words that I am about to express on this page.

I have always been somewhat of a stubborn girl. In fact, stubborn might be a little on the kind side. I am often one to take the opposing side of the argument for the sheer fun of the debate. I love to have an opinion and I love to voice said opinion.

I’ve never been one to sit obediently and have someone tell me to how to behave, or how I should think. Certainly, no man would dare attempt to alter my behaviour. Such a misstep would have been the end of a promise of any sort of a relationship. I simply knew who I was and if someone did not want me for me, then why waste anyone’s time.

Views Change

As I stated before, my answer to the question has changed markedly.  As I have grown and matured, what I have come to realize is that the bravado and moxie that I threw around like confetti was simply to distract others from how unsure of myself I really was.  I lacked self-confidence, and by acting over-confident, I thought that somehow it might even out; that maybe by magic I might develop a skillset that I knew was deeply lacking.

That boisterous behaviour and the attitude of not caring was simply emotional armour.  I was a terrified and shy person, so scared of being rejected by the world that I created some pretty good reasons to make people reject me on my own terms.  At least then I could say that it was my choice.  Look how brave and strong I am… to be all alone.

Learn From the Past and Redefine What You Want

What I have learned through failed relationships and broken hearts is that the only way to truly open yourself up to someone is to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  You must know that it is safe to give up control to your partner and that you will be protected.  Let them see the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The right person still sees the beautiful through it all.

Submission tends to have a negative connotation in that it implies something outdated, or sexually taboo, which is different than the type of submission that has given me such freedom.  What I believe is the perfect definition of submission in a healthy relationship is the equal and liberal exchange of power in a secure and loving environment.  It is the ability to serve each other in ways that are beneficial to the relationship as a whole.  It is the commitment to doing better for each other and to learn and teach one another.  It is the safety and comfort of knowing that you have a deeper trust and connection with your partner.

This concept might not resonate with everyone as it requires giving all of yourself to another person.  This can be a challenge that many may never meet.  However, if done in an equal partnership, being submissive to your partner creates a level of depth most wouldn’t know could exist within a relationship. Further, it instills an inner peace and confidence that I spent most of my life living without.

Nick’s View

To even begin to answer this question, it is important first to understand what we mean to be submissive at all. To do that, it might also help to establish what submission is not. Submission does not mean being a doormat for someone else. It does not entail accepting abuse in any form. Being submissive does not imply having a lesser role in a relationship; any relationship–any good relationship–must be built on a foundation of mutual trust and respect.

In a harmonious relationship, both parties are free at any time to leave. There are no strings holding them together aside from their willful desire to remain in place. In such a situation, submission is given and dominance received deliberately, whether spoken or unspoken. This is different from the way we might think of dominance and submission in the sporting arena, business world, or other competitive venue. In those areas, one party is trying to win out over the other–often at the other’s expense. It would be nonsensical to attempt such a feat or take this approach in a romantic relationship; both the submissive and the dominant are “winners” when they are able to find a positive rhythm to their relationship.

I also believe that there is strength in submission. A submissive who chooses to be so has come to terms with displaying their own vulnerability. If they have selected a dominant partner they know will hold their basic humanity in high regard. They can afford to allow themselves to express their submission without fear of being used. Likewise, displays of dominance can be facades used to hide weakness; I believe that a person who feels it within them only possible to be dominant is likely to actually be lacking in their personal development.

Being Submissive in a Relationship as One Side of a Multifaceted Life

There are at least two sides to every coin; a robust human life has multiple aspects to be considered. One may choose the submissive role in a sexual conduct with their partner while accepting a dominant role elsewise.

There is a reason concepts of yin and yang, ebb and flow, peak and trough, all persist as basic realities forming the fabric of all existence. If two individuals are both behaving submissively or dominantly, there will be an untenable friction that will prevent growth. To achieve synergy, there has to be a give and take.

Having said all of this, I believe it is a poor approach to assert that in a relationship that there are only two modes of characterization. I am reminded of something I once read:

Man designs for himself a garden with a hundred kinds of trees, a thousand kinds of flowers, a hundred kinds of fruit and vegetables. Suppose, then, that the gardener of this garden knew no other distinction than between edible and inedible, nine-tenths of this garden would be useless to him. He would pull up the most enchanting flowers and hew down the noblest trees and even regard them with a loathing and envious eye. This is what the Steppenwolf does with the thousand flowers of his soul. What does not stand classified as either man or wolf he does not see at all.

Steppenwolf, Hermann Hesse, Page 65

We each have the ability to play more than one role; a full life lived involves exploring each of our various, complex sides. To be submissive where the time is right makes sense. It’s entirely acceptable to give over control to someone who has earned–and continues to earn–that trust.

Final Thoughts on Being Submissive in a Relationship

There is power in submission. This hinges, of course, on being in the right emotional place with the right person.

In the wrong circumstances, being submissive can lead to being used, but this isn’t how it needs to be.

Find someone who respects you and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated—which is lovingly and with respect. Then, decide whether you are ready to hand them the reins. It’s not all or nothing, so give and take might be best for you.