Is Monogamy Realistic? The Complete Guide

Committing to a single primary partner can be both rewarding and challenging. In a digital age where distractions abound, monogamous dating isn’t easy. Is monogamy realistic when finding someone else is now easier than ever before?

This is a topic that has been debated by biologists and celebrities alike, and there is not a clear and definitive verdict.

In this article, we will explore the possibilities of whether monogamy is realistic in today’s age.

What is Monogamy?

For our purposes here, we will take monogamy to mean a true love relationship with only two partners. Further, the partners are exclusive to one another, not giving their affections to anyone else. For those who believe in soulmates, finding this person who completes them is the highest form of monogamy.

If either partner were to engage in an outside relationship, they would no longer be considered monogamous. The defining feature of a monogamous relationship is the absolute level of commitment between the partners. It is this fidelity to one another which preserves the bond.

Is monogamy realistic? This question on its own requires the extension to ask whether it is realistic for you. You and your partner are going to have unique sets of beliefs that ultimately contain the answer.

Types of Monogamy

While we do mean the vanilla form of monogamy when discussing it here, it is also important to recognize that there are many forms monogamy can take.

Here are several other types of romantic monogamy that are well-recognized:

• Marital monogamy. This is a marriage with only two people.
• Sexual monogamy. In these cases, the two partners agree that they will take no outside lovers, remaining strictly with one another.
• Social monogamy. Two partners sharing living arrangements. The partners may also manage their finances together. There may or may not be sexual activity between the pair.
• Serial monogamy. This is when a person is rarely single, and always committed to their partner when involved in a relationship. They have no shortage of partners throughout their life.

It is plain to see that there are many different ways to be involved in a monogamous relationship. Whether any of these would form the ideal relationship for you just depends on your values. Likewise, you need to consider if you can have your needs met by one person.

What is the Opposite of Monogamy?

If monogamy is characterized by two committed individuals, then non-monogamy is really anything else. This would include any relationship with three or more involved parties.

While the possibility of having multiple lovers may sound attractive, it doesn’t come without its own complications. Here are three reasons non-monogamy can cause problems:

• Jealousy. In a relationship with more than two people, you are never all equally in love. If one feels left out, it can breed feelings of jealousy for whomever is getting more attention.
• Not having your voice heard. It can be hard enough to make decisions with just two people. When there are three or more, there will often be one person feeling they don’t have a fair say in what happens. Submission in a relationship can be healthy, but only if it is consensual and accepted—it should not be by exclusion.
• Taboo. People can be judgmental. From the outset, you should be prepared for the scornful eye of society. When your lifestyle fits outside of the box, there are times you may feel ostracized.

Despite these challenges, many people engage in such relationships every day. It can be done successfully if managed well.

Just as there are many forms of monogamy, non-monogamy can include function based on sexual behavior, financial cohesion, or other social constructs.

Types of Non-Monogamy

Here are some well-known forms of non-monogamous relationships:

• Open Relationships. This is a relationship where the partners have agreed that one or both of them may pursue courtship with other people. In some cases this may involve full knowledge-sharing about sexual activity, or they may agree that not everything need be shared.
• Polyamorous Relationships. This is characterized by intimacy is more than one partner, with both consenting to the fluidity. This is different from an explicitly open relationship, as it always involved shared information.
• Throuples. This is quite simply a relationship with three committed partners.

The list of distinctions is truly endless, as lovers ultimately define what works for them. The nuances are boundless.

All the same, the key point here is that it is possible for a relationship to extend beyond binary endpoints. So, is monogamy realistic when there are so many other less-restrictive options?

Can You Love Two People at Once?

There seems to be evidence that this is possible by the number of throuples, polyamorous, and open relationships in existence. Love is infinite, therefore there is always more that can be made when another person enters the relationship.

It is possible to leave the door open to more wide-ranging love possibilities. The simple truth is that our hearts don’t follow the rules we set with our heads. There is nothing to prevent you from find yourself in love with more than one person at once.

We will close this section with some words of wisdom from Johnny Depp:

“If you fall in love with two people at once, choose the second one. Because if you truly loved the first, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second one”.

Is Monogamy Realistic for Digital Lovers?

As technology has shifted, the types of possible relationships have grown exponentially. These days, it is quite common for cyber-relationships to take root.

In an online relationship, you do not have the same physical presence as in a traditional one. This can make it difficult to trust that your partner is remaining faithful to you.

You may wonder, is monogamy realistic if you have no way of really knowing that they aren’t cheating?

My experience here is that this situation can only last for so long. At some point, your relationship is going to come to a point where you either need to meet in person, or accept that things may drift apart.

What is Toxic Monogamy Culture?

The belief that two people in a monogamous relationship need to be everything to one another can have adverse outcomes. The term toxic monogamy refers to the ways that society takes a dyadic relationship between two people and adds layers of harmful expectations and norms.

Here are five ways to recognize toxic monogamy:

• If your partner holds you accountable for their happiness. The truth is that each person is responsible for their own life satisfaction.
• When your partner blames you for their shortcomings without taking responsibility for self-improvement.
• When your partner is constantly checking where you are and what you’re doing. This is controlling behavior.
• If your partner gaslights you by continuously telling you how things you’re doing are impacting their mood. This is a way of taking the focus off of their own inability to manage emotions.
• If you are being shamed by your partner based on your sexual history—before you were even dating. This tactic can be used to try to guilt you into commitment to them.

The important thing to keep in mind is that a relationship should be a place you go to give, not just take. This is a two-way street and is how it should function for both partners.

A relationship is not a prison sentence. Your partner should be supportive and not make you dim your own light so they won’t feel inadequate.

Final Thoughts: Is Monogamy Realistic Anymore?

The simplest answer is that yes, monogamy is realistic for those who wish it to be. Monogamy does work if you and your partner both want it to. However, it is a choice, just as is everything else in life.

Finding the right partner means getting everything you need from one source. Perhaps those who do not believe in monogamy are still searching for the right partner with whom to be monogamous.

Establish Firm Ground Rules

The biggest pitfall we see lovers falling into is to not be clear on what works for one another. You can easily ruin your relationship if you don’t have an honest understanding and commitment of one another’s beliefs.

Ask the simple question: Is monogamy realistic for your situation, or would polyamory be a better choice?

The best thing you can do is have a serious dialogue about all of this with your significant other. It takes two to tango, so be sure they don’t want extra dancing partners. If they do, be sure you define what sort of relationship you may be open to.