What is Pocketing in Dating? The Definitive Guide

Relationships at their best are a two-way street of reciprocal sharing. This can take time to develop and requires a spirit of harmony and trust. This can be difficult to develop if you find you’re being kept on the sidelines. In this article, we will explore the intricacies of pocketing in dating.

Let’s get started.

What is Pocketing in Dating?

Pocketing is a dating term that means your significant other is intentionally keeping you compartmentalized and separated from other aspects of their life. They do not allow you access to the inner-workings of their personal life.

This is entirely different from keeping your relationship secret, which is a mutual and potentially beneficial decision. Pocketing can harm a relationship and have negative psychological consequences for the one being siloed.

Reasons for Pocketing in Dating

All people have different things that make them tick. For someone who decides to pocket their lover, there may be a wide range of rationales.

Here are the main reasons you are being pocketed by your partner:

• Unsure of the relationship. If your partner is not certain they are ready to go the distance with you, they may not want to deal with untangling you from friends and family. Keeping you at arm’s length until they feel more comfortable helps them feel more secure in the relationship.
• Afraid of commitment. Some people are serial pocketers because they change partners like underwear. When this is the case, it makes sense to keep their dating life separate from their everyday activities. This concept was popularized in a Seinfeld episode where George worried about “worlds colliding”, jeopardizing his independence.
• Questioning sexuality. It’s possible that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your partner. Perhaps he’s exploring himself and does not want the criticism or judgement until he has a better grasp on his own reality.
• Having an affair. A very common example of pocketing is when you are being kept a secret because you are the other woman (or man). Easiest to keep the tangled web from unraveling if you don’t have neutral sources of information.
• Wanting to leave options open. Pocketing a partner creates an opportunity to continue to date as if single, while still reaping the benefits of being in a relationship.
• Ashamed of some aspect of life. They may be hiding you from their life, or hiding their life from you, all out of embarrassment.

It is emotionally challenging to be left in the dark, no matter the reason.

Signs of Pocketing in Dating

Getting out of the relationship silo involves recognizing the signs. Any of these on their own may not be a huge red flag, but if you’re noticing them in combination, be wary.

1. No History

How much do you really know about your significant other? Have you been able to verify any of it?  If you have a lot of stories, but no actual proof your crush is who they say they are, you might be in a pocket.

Here are some suspicious ways your SO may keep their history private:

• They refuse to answer simple questions.
• Won’t talk about friends, family, or past relationships.
• They have no backstory, or stories do not add up.
• Keeps shifting the focus back to you.

You have reason to be apprehensive that you are not getting the full story if you notice these tells.

In the initial stages of a relationship, it is common to get to know each other. This is the time to explore each other’s backgrounds and to learn as much as possible to build a framework for the future. If you have learned next to nothing, or what you have learned has left you feeling uneasy, it might be time to trust your gut and get out.

2. No Social Media

Social media can be a huge barometer of how integrated you are in your partner’s life.

Ask yourself the following questions related to social media:

• Are you connected on all platforms?
• Is his status the same as yours?
• Do you see pictures of yourself and mentions of events and occasions you shared?
• Will they share any of their passwords or access with you?

If the answer to all of these is a resounding NO, you might be in a pocket.

It is not necessary for all couples to be overly expressive or public on social media, however you should not be entirely nonexistent.

Assess his level of comfort in posting personal items. If his routine is to post daily about every aspect of his life, it is expected that you should be a part of that. If he is more private, then it is not necessarily a red flag that you are not included.

You should, at a minimum, be aware of his accounts and be allowed to interact with them. And it goes without saying, but if he has a relationship status, it should never say Single!

3. No Friends or Family

Does your partner always have a reason you shouldn’t contact his friends and family?

It is up to you to decide if this behaviour is something you are willing to accept and for how long. Chances are your partner was not raised by wolves. He does have some form of family unit.

If you continue a relationship without their support, it will likely leave you questioning whether the problem lies with them or with you.

4. No Home Base

Funny how despite making himself at home with you, your partner does not ever invite you back to his home. Likewise, when you do go out, he always seems to choose the location.

Partners who isolate their significant other do not want to risk their secret being discovered, so they try to conduct their business as far away from home as possible. This could be at your house, or in other locations they know their friends and family do not frequent.

5. No Introductions

When you do run into acquaintances of your partner, pay close attention to the introductions. Are they short and forced, or easy and natural? Those conducting pocketing in dating are careful to not expose too much information. They like to be in control.

See if they plainly introduce you as their partner. If they can’t even manage to say so in public, you best start looking to run in the other direction!

How to Handle Pocketing?

Have a discussion with your partner. Tell them that you suspect you’re being kept on the outside.

Bear in mind that some reasons for pocketing do not have nefarious intent, so do not automatically become confrontational. Make it known that you understand the situation as it is, but that you do not understand why it is occurring.

If your partner is willing to have an open dialogue, there is a potential for coming out on the other side stronger. If, on the other hand, the pocketing is not even acknowledged or the reasons are not acceptable to you, then you need to make a decision.

The worst case scenario is where you do want to continue the relationship but their behaviour doesn’t change. Give them an ultimatum to see if they’ll make a correction.

Final Thoughts on Pocketing in Dating

The first step to dealing with pocketing is to recognize it’s happening in the first place. Once you’re certain this is the case, open the line of communication with your partner.

Let them know that things need to change. If they are serious about you and the relationship, they should be willing to share information. You deserve to be with someone who will respect and value your time and interest.