Should Romantic Partners Share Their Passwords?

In the digital age, the most important asset is information. The key to unlock digital assets are your personal login credentials. That’s why it’s so important to be as safe as possible when you sharing passwords with anyone.

In relationships, the best asset you can have is trust. This begs the question: should you ever consider sharing your login details with your significant other?

Cassie’s View

Everybody knows the scene.  It is a classic Seinfeld moment.  George Costanza is in a position to save a stranger in an ATM vestibule whose sleeve is trapped in the card reader; a rapidly growing fire about to engulf him.  The only way to free the man is for George to hand over his bank card and PIN.  No brainer, right?  Wrong. 

Earlier in the episode we learned that George would not even share this information with his fiancée, whom he purported to love and trust.  Luckily the stranger in the ATM was deemed more trustworthy and his life was spared.  His fiancée, Susan?  Well, we all know how that turned out.

Sharing Passwords and Other Details Selectively

When you choose a partner with whom to share your life, is it reasonable to be able to pick and choose which aspects you wish to share?  Or are you expected to have a completely open door policy with your significant other?  Is there allowed to be an expectation of privacy in a serious relationship?

These are questions that I have spent considerable time pondering.  I know that I am in a loving, healthy, and committed relationship.  That, in and of itself, makes me want to share all that I can of myself.  I suppose that I don’t feel it is my place to judge what to give to him and what to keep for myself, so I simply offer it all and allow him to accept what he pleases.

Have I provided the passwords to my social media accounts, my phone, and my banking information? No.  Would I if he asked?  Without hesitation.  I also know that he would never ask.  He knows that there would never be anything to find that would be alarming to him.  I believe the reverse to be true as well.  I do not need access to those dark corners in order to feel secure in our relationship.  In fact, I believe that could cause its downfall.

If one or both partners feels the need to explore every aspect of the other’s life it can very quickly turn into an unhealthy obsession.

It Comes Down to Trust

There is a difference between wanting to be involved and needing to control.  One is natural and loving, the other stifling and bound to lead to disaster.  Chances are if you find yourself habitually checking text messages, social media, or contact information, you have deeper issues that need to be addressed.  Trust is one of the fundamentals of any solid relationship.  If it is shaky, the relationship will crumble.

The important thing to remember is to trust in yourself and listen to what your gut is telling you.  If something feels wrong in a relationship, it is likely because something is wrong in the relationship.  No amount of sleuthing is going to mend this, and in most cases will make the situation worse.

Open communication is likely a far more effective tool to determine whether or not the relationship should continue, and how to make it stronger. For example, if you’re wondering incessantly about your partner’s past relationships, come out and ask them! Don’t just try to dig around for something bad.

Is there an expectation of privacy in a relationship?  I believe there is.  It is important to establish boundaries with the person you love, and that they love you enough to respect them.  That’s not to say my partner is not welcome into every aspect of my life.  He is.  He absolutely is.  In every part.  But we are all entitled to have things that we want to keep just for ourselves.  The best part is finding someone who is special enough that you invite them to cross those boundaries with you every once in a while.

Nick’s View

A huge amount of our social activity these days takes place online, whether on a smartphone, laptop, tablet, or otherwise. The devices we own can facilitate many daily functions such as paying a bill, operating as a transaction device (i.e., a credit card), keeping track of activities in the case of a calendar/daily planner, and far more. This convenience comes with the potential downside of this data falling into the hands of others who would then have virtually unlimited access to our personal lives.

To protect this sensitive information, most of us protect our devices with passwords. This basic necessity for protection from strangers can pose a perceived barrier with a loved one if the password remains secret. If you are sharing your passwords, you can never be sure your information is safe.

My question, however, is why someone in a relationship would feel the need to have access to their partner’s social media, E-mail, text history, and other aspects of their online existence. In most cases, it boils down to suspicion such as whether the partner may be still communicating with their ex.

A good relationship comes down to proper communication and must be built on a foundation of trust. Requiring your partner’s login credentials to be sure they aren’t keeping secrets already implies a failure in the relationship.

I believe that a relationship should begin from a place of I trust you rather than begin with a requirement of full disclosure of personal information.

Sharing Passwords Doesn’t Mean Full Disclosure

Beyond everything I’ve already stated, it is also worth mentioning that there are plenty of ways to hide information even if one’s smartphone password is shared. What if they have another phone? What if they have an undisclosed social media account they only access secretly and don’t remain signed in? What if… what if.

Without addressing the root of insecurities around a partner’s potential or perceived infidelities, the need for more disclosure is a bottomless pit that eventually leads to disappointment.

I believe that if there is an absolute need to share a password (i.e., if there is threat to safety), then it can be reasonable to do so. Without such an impetus, I don’t see the importance of doing so. I certainly don’t believe there should be an expectation between partners that passwords need to be shared.

Final Thoughts

If you’re considering sharing passwords with a partner, be sure it is for the right reasons. If it is because there is a lack of trust, doing this won’t solve anything.

Have an open dialogue to get to the root of the issue. Always bear in mind that doing this can lead to significant consequences. As such, you should never feel pressured into doing this.

Someone who truly loves you won’t force the matter.