Should You Compete With Your Partner?
Cassie’s View
It seems the rules have changed. We now live in a society where every child who plays gets a trophy. Everyone wins and nobody loses. All children are encouraged to do their best and are rewarded for simply trying. I have heard mixed reviews on this new school of thought. On one hand, children feel nurtured and safe. They learn teamwork and other skills that are transferable into other aspects of their lives as they transition into adulthood. On the opposing bench is the argument that these kids have now been set up to fail. You do not get a promotion for trying. You do not get into the university of your choice just for showing up to high school and putting in the minimum effort. I’m not sure which answer is correct, or even if there is a correct answer. Perhaps if competition in sports hadn’t been so fierce, I might have wanted to join a team or two when I was younger, but such is life.
For those of us who grew up with the mentality that competition is healthy (nobody uses the expression “toxic competition”), I wonder on how many aspects of our lives has this mindset left silent footprints. Competition goes far beyond the sports arenas, far beyond any other activity that might require an official ranking. It displays itself in the one-ups-manships of friends, the challenge of trying to capture the most eligible mate, the long-standing rivalry of siblings. These things are simply woven so deeply into the fabric of human nature that we no longer recognize them as part of our competitive spirit. We don’t see that what we are doing is attempting to climb onto a podium that we simply cannot see. Although it does not make for strong bonds, we can probably be forgiven for such behaviour with casual acquaintances, friends, maybe even family members. Sometimes these relationships have their own playbook. What about our romantic partners? Should you ever be competitive with your partner?
To some degree I have competed with my partner in every relationship I have ever had. What is the common thread in all of those relationships? They ended. Perhaps that was not the only reason, but I can’t say it’s entirely coincidental. First off, let me define competition as it relates to a romantic relationship. This could be in any number of forms. It could be an innocent wager that one of us was right about which actor was in an old movie we had viewed. It could be not letting the other forget how poorly they had done when challenged to a boardgame. Behaviour like this tends to make someone feel small, or belittled. It tends to make the one on the bottom feel the need to outdo on the next go round, and the pattern continues and escalates. Sometimes little things tend to harbour and grow. Soon the competitions are about who earns more money or who is the better parent. Resentment does not take much to flourish when it is well nourished.
When you compete against someone you love, it means that you are no longer playing for the same team. That was pointed out to me recently, and it really resonated. How is that not the most obvious thing in the world? How does everyone not see that? Once you have reached a point where you are not wishing the best for your partner, but actively wishing against those things just so you can feel more accomplished, or that you are winning the game, the game is lost. Unfortunately, most people keep playing well into overtime with no one willing to blow the whistle.
Tim Hortons used to have a campaign for their Timbits teams that always made me a little choked up (I’m kind of a sap). The slogan was something about not only learning how to score, but more importantly, how to pass. Maybe its not such a bad thing if everyone gets a trophy. Maybe what we should be encouraging is teamwork, and how to be supportive of each other. Maybe we should encourage healthy relationships instead of healthy competition. Even if they don’t ever make it in the NHL.
Nick’s View
There is a primal desire hardcoded into the DNA of all humans to derive value in the form of joy, happiness, and prolonged life, from succeeding through competition. The humans who could catch their prey were able to eat. Thus, they survived to pass on those genes.
Love of competition is what causes the world to stop for a few weeks every two years in order to observe the Olympics. It’s the reason why athletes are among the highest paid celebrities in the world. For better or worse, there is something inside of each of us that loves to win.
In most domains of life and with most people, using the competitive drive to get one’s way can be healthy and lead to positive results. Within a relationship, however, it becomes a mixed bag.
Speaking strictly from my perspective, I have a belief that anyone trying to beat me at anything necessarily becomes my enemy. Whether it is true that all is fair in love and war, I can’t say, but I do maintain that all is fair in war. Whether it is a game of cards or something broader, I feel that rules are for the weak and that I should use all means at my disposal to claim the victory. I would rather someone else feel bad about losing than to risk them gloating over beating me. Besides, if someone wants to take what I have, they better be ready to stake their life on it.
Within a relationship, I feel both parties should always be on the same side. They may have differing opinions about things, but to actively take opposite sides can be problematic. There’s a slippery slope to betting against one another which can lead to resentment, guilt, anger, and other sentiments because, in a relationship, emotions are—and should be—already highly charged.
To say this, I am not cutting off all possibility of games. For example, playing a game of chess or tennis can be great pastimes. Sharing experiences is healthy and beneficial for lovers. The key is to keep to the goal of building one another up, not winning at all costs.
What I have seen in far too many cases where partners are separated on teams in competition is that the winner feels bad for winning and the loser feels bad for losing. This is where competition has gone too far, and this tends to be the case when partners compete against one another in group settings. Their egos become tangled up in the situation and they wind up trying hard to impress others at the expense of what they care more about—one another.
My view is that competition should be kept to a minimum and even avoided altogether, if possible. Partners should truly be on the same team in all walks of life. By keeping to that principle, they will always work together and not plant the seeds of trying to gain at the other’s expense.
This discussion reminds me of one of my favourite quotes:
No man is a true believer unless he desires for his brother that, what he desires for himself.
The Prophet Muhammad
I could paraphrase this to, “No couple is in true harmony unless they each desire for their lover, what they desire for themselves.” That is the ideal to nurture, and competition will only spoil it.
