Should You Know About Your Partner’s Sexual History or Past Relationships?

One of the most exciting parts about dating is learning about your new partner. When the details are positive, it can be fun to ask questions and get more details. Learning about your partner’s sexual history, however, can pose particular challenges.

This subject is likely to raise high emotions as you work through the salacious details. You might even wonder whether it’s worth asking questions at all, given the high emotions.

In this article, we’ll explore the dirty details of what it means to go deep on your lover’s romantic past.

Cassie’s View on Knowing Your Partner’s Sexual History

It makes me sick to even think about. But I will admit the thought does cross my mind. Probably more than it should.

I know that my partner had a life before me. Why wouldn’t he? I had one before him.

Yet, the thought of it still upsets me on my darker days. Should it? I’m human. Worse than that. I’m female.

In the grand scheme of things, does it hurt or hinder a relationship to know about the past? Should you know about your partner’s sexual history or past relationships?

Willingness to Share Emotionally in Relationships is Vital

I suppose it all depends on how much you know about those past relationships… or feel the need to know.  It would be painful to hear too many details about any aspect of an intimate past, and it would be odd if he felt compelled to share. I do think it is important that there is no topic off limits, however.

If there is a question that I would like answered, I would like to know that it would be answered. There should never be secrets.

Yet spending too much time in the past is unhealthy for the future. The opposite side of that coin is when there is reluctance to visit the past at all. Warning bells are ringing.

Unwillingness to discuss any, or worse, a particular past relationship could signal that your partner may still have unresolved feelings. There could be pain, there could be anger, sadness…love. The refusal to bring this into the open could very well be a sign of a deeper, underlying problem. Or, he could just be a very considerate person.

Keep Your Partner’s Emotions in Mind When Asking Questions

As I said before, it does cause pain to discuss past relationships.  It also takes maturity and balance.  Sometimes it may be necessary to have a discussion about the past, but it is always important to have your current partner’s best interest at heart.

Give each other the option to choose what information they want to know.  Be open and honest.  Ensure that the utmost care is taken to consider their feelings, as they are the one with whom you are building a life.

I know about my partner’s sexual history. Sometimes it would be nice to feign ignorance. Not that he has had a past that is concerning, but one partner who is not me is too many. His life should have started with me. Mine started with him. Then again, when I think about his past partners, it is hard to be too upset.

As my road took me on my journey to him, so did his lead him to me. In some way or form they may have helped shape him into the man he is today, the man I love so deeply.

One day I may even thank them for it. One day.

Learning a Partner’s Sexual History – Nick’s View

We live in a society where the notion that knowledge is power is accepted without question. The more you know, the better off you ought to be, right? Knowledge of the past can, however, form its own anchor if given free reign. Looking into the rear view mirror for too long is more apt to leave a person in a depressive state rather than feeling empowered. The past is, after all, dead and gone, even as it relates to those still living.

While I believe it is important for those in a relationship to keep an entirely open mind to discussions if their partner would like to have them, there is a danger in attempting to dissect every event in the past in order to try to make sense of it. Every person is, in each moment of their life, deciding who they are and who they will be as they move forward.

A history of poor behaviour does not preclude the possibility that someone can change and make decisions that will lead to a positive future. Having made mistakes in the past does not mean someone will forever make the same mistakes; learning from errors—both our own and those of others—is how we grow. Likewise, just because someone hasn’t made a mistake in some fashion (e.g., cheating, financial bankruptcy) doesn’t mean they can’t do so in the future.

The past can only take us so far in our analysis of the person we’ve chosen to be with.

Self-Analysis is Paramount to Success with Romantic Partners

I believe the more important thing is to self-analyze and ask, in our quiet moments, why it is that we might feel the need to know everything about a partner’s past history.

After all, the past is fixed—it cannot be changed and so what truly can we do with the information, like it or not? I believe that each in a relationship should disclose what might be reasonably be deemed relevant (i.e., if you wind up needing to interact routinely in a professional capacity with a former partner) and the rest can be comfortably left behind.

It goes without saying, of course, that where there is the possibility of an STD/STI, that information should be shared long before any physical contact takes place.

In a loving relationship, it is natural to want to know everything about your partner. However, in the case of past relationships, we must ask ourselves whether we are asking from a place of love or truly from insecurity. If from the latter, the answers we find are likely to cause more harm than good.

Having some things kept personal can be fine. For example, not all partners are willing to share their online passwords. On its own, this is not a red flag.

So, while I believe it should be possible for someone in a relationship to share their thoughts and to discuss the past if they would like, I don’t believe such discussions are fundamentally necessary. Getting the most out of life involves focusing on maximizing the present. Doing this will facilitate positive results in the future. For a relationship to thrive, that is precisely where the most energy should be spent.

How to Deal With Knowing Your Partner’s Sexual History

The bottom line is that if you love your partner enough, their sexual history shouldn’t be something that scares you off. They have a right to have a past. They haven’t inherently done anything wrong by being who they were before they met you.

Here are a few emotions you may be experiencing when learning of your partner’s sexual past:

• Jealousy. It can be a frightening thing to learn your partner may have been wild before.
• Fear. If your partner was getting it on with many other people, what’s to say they’ll remain faithful to you in a monogamist relationship?
• Anger. If you find out your partner has been with specific people you dislike, it may make you feel vengeful about it.
• Excited. When a partner has been known to be sexually adventurous, perhaps this could mean something positive for your own love life?

Whatever you feel about your significant other’s past, be sure to be respectful to them. They have a right to leave their past behind them if they choose, just as much as you may have a right to know about it. The most important thing is to keep an eye to the future.

Concluding Thoughts

Learning about your partner’s sexual history can be a freeing experience inasmuch as it can be scary. Just knowing they had any sort of intimacy with someone before you can be upsetting. After all, if they’ve told other people they loved them, how do you know it’s going to be a forever-relationship with you?

In the final analysis, you need to trust they are with you and want to be with you. If you can’t do that, you’re never going to be able to move forward meaningfully and give your relationship a real chance.

If you do find yourself asking your partner for personal details, be sure you respect them, no matter the answers you get back.

How do you feel about the details of your lover’s past? Would you rather not know?