Ultimatums in Relationships: Complete Guide

In a perfect world, you and your partner get along without any issues and agree on all topics. In the real world, you’re going to disagree from time to time. Occasionally, something comes along that is so big that it threatens your union. This is where using ultimatums in relationships can come into play.

If you find yourself questioning whether the issue you’re facing is a sticking point worth digging your heels in over, this guide is for you.

What is an Ultimatum?

An ultimatum is a demand that is given with a set timeframe to either meet the mandate or face the penalty.

In relationships, ultimatums are most frequently used when a situation has reached its breaking point. It is often a signal of desperation and a dissolution of trust.

The most common sources of ultimatums in relationships include:

• An engagement
• A baby
• A move to a new city, apartment, or house
• Moving in together
• Terminating a relationship with a third-party (friend, family member, ex-lover)
• Finding new employment
• Substance/alcohol abuse
• Gambling

The consequence of not meeting any of these demands would be pre-determined and could range from the withholding of sex to the end of the relationship.

While some people might consider proposing ultimatums over things like verbal or physical abuse, this is something you should not do. Simply leave a relationship if you’re being flagrantly mistreated.

No person deserves to face abuse for any reason and this is nonnegotiable.

Boundaries are Not Ultimatums

In any relationship, romantic or otherwise, it is necessary to establish proper boundaries for coexistence. This can really be anything that you require in order to be content, but which doesn’t impede your partner.

Here are a few healthy boundaries that someone might set:

• Not to be called by a certain pet-name. We all have certain names we like and dislike, and this is fair to expect from a partner.
• For your partner to remain faithful. Not everyone believes in monogamy, but you have the right to express this and expect it.
• Sexual limits. We’re not all into the same things. That’s okay and should be respected.

Establishing boundaries like these are not the same as giving your partner an ultimatum. In these cases, it is about understanding one another and accepting differences. With an ultimatum, there are punitive actions associated to the proposed behaviors.

If you are in an age gap relationship, defining limits can be particularly important as the difference in beliefs may be more pronounced than with someone your own age. Growing up in different time periods means having distinct references. This can lead to a further disconnect in understanding what may be acceptable for one another.

Are Ultimatums in Relationships Bad?

Ultimatums within a relationship are not new, but given the popularity of the new Netflix series “The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On”, they seem to be gaining popularity as a tactic to lock down the ring. The one thing these couples all have in common is that they are all at an impasse and feel they need to force their relationships back into motion.

Will an ultimatum work? No spoilers here.

Ultimatums are generally reserved for when a relationship is already headed for trouble, so adding the extra pressure of a delivery deadline rarely works. They can be perceived as manipulative and controlling, and most people do not want to be forced into situations under those pretenses.

And who wants a ring they had to demand?

If you are set on delivering an ultimatum, consider the following:

• Ultimatums should only be used for critical situations (not “get me coffee or I’m leaving”). Being the partner-who-cried-ultimatum is not an effective strategy. Like everything else, ultimatums come with diminishing returns, so use them sparingly.
• Be prepared to follow through. If you are ready to give an ultimatum, you must also be ready to deal with the same consequence you were to hand out.

If you do decide to go through with giving your partner final terms, understand that you may not get your way. The end result could be termination of your relationship. Only you can know whether it’s worth it in the end for you and whether you’ll be happy after the breakup.

Can Ultimatums in Relationships be Healthy?

It is possible for some ultimatums to strengthen relationships. These are the ones that establish proper goal posts and create an environment in which the couple can grow.

These types of ultimatums are about bringing the couple closer and not creating a divide.

Here are a few examples of using ultimatums in healthy ways:

• A demand to spend more focused time together. This might involve turning off all connected devices like smartphones and tablets.
• Terms to remove toxic people from the relationship. This could be a friend or family member who brings more harm than good to the relationship.

The key here is to ensure the ultimatum is based purely around enhancing your relationship. If the idea is to give yourself personal gain at your partner’s expense, that isn’t healthy and won’t work out.

How to Avoid Using Ultimatums

The best way to avoid using ultimatums is to have open and honest discussions right at the beginning of the relationship. Plans may always change, but if you do not envision the same life plan as your partner, it is only fair they know that as soon as possible.

Stringing someone along is a sure-fire recipe to cause pain and will certainly set the stage for an ultimatum or two.

To get ahead of needing to use ultimatums in the first place, you’re going to want to tackle big topics early. Not everything needs to be a heavy conversation about ten-year plans, but don’t avoid them, either.

Here are some tactics you can use to figure out their beliefs without asking directly:

• Watch a series together where the topic (e.g., parenthood, marriage) is discussed. This will allow you to gauge your partner’s reactions to other relationships and see how it applies to you.
• Tell them you have a friend who is asking you for advice about what you want. So, you could tell them your friend keeps trying to get her boyfriend to propose and ask what he thinks she should do.

Using some of these soft skills can get you the answers and behaviors you’re looking for without making it adversarial. Remember that your main goal should be to keep your relationship harmonious.

What to Do If You’re Given an Ultimatum

When you’re on the receiving end of an ultimatum, it can be incredibly stressful. Being given a deadline to change something monumental about yourself is an anxiety-inducing situation.

If you are facing an ultimatum from your partner, here are the steps you should take:

1. Put yourself in their shoes. The first thing you need to do is figure out why they took this approach at all. Is this coming out of a clear blue sky, or have you already had discussions on the topic? Be sure you understand where they are coming from.
2. Ask yourself whether it is reasonable. Is this something that will make them happy and cause you no hardship? If so, give it to them. If not, move to Step 3.
3. Do some deep soul searching. Figure out whether you are willing or able to make the change. If they want children and you don’t, this could actually be a deal breaker.
4. Make a final, committed decision. Whatever conclusion you research, be firm in it. If you decide to comply with them, be sure you can live with the cost. If you don’t, be prepared for possibly losing them as a life partner.

This diagram will give you the action plan you need when facing ultimatums in relationships:

Every situation is going to be different, but you need to be sure you’re at peace with the outcome you choose. Just as they have a right to ask you to make changes, you have a right to decline.

This can be a difficult pill to swallow when it means both choices have a real downside. All the same, you need to make sure you’re also getting what you want out of life.

Final Thoughts on Ultimatums in Relationships

Giving your partner conditions is a double-edged sword. You may get something that you want, but it may come at a high emotional cost as this can lead to alienation and resentment.

However, under the right circumstances, giving ultimatums can work out. If your partner feels you are using an ultimatum for the good of the relationship, they may appreciate your honesty. In the end, you should resort to using ultimatums in relationships only under extreme circumstances. Keep lines of communication open with your partner in order to avoid getting to a final proposal in the first place.